As many of you already know, today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. It’s a difficult day for many of us. Although a day of remembrance comforts us, it also reminds us of the losses we’ve suffered along the way.
My sweet friend Jessica, whose loss is far greater than all of mine combined (and yet she listens to me anyway), organized a special event yesterday. Lanterns were released in memory of little lost angels. I spoke to her as she drove to the event. The weather was touch and go. It was sunny at times, but the clouds were rolling in. She worried that the lanterns wouldn’t light, or that rain would stop the event from happening.
And a little while after our phone call I received a tweet with a picture of the lantern she released in memory or my little boy…the one who made it 17.5 weeks. The last little one who would have made three.
Tears streamed down my face as I stared at the picture for a while. There goes a little part of my heart. A little part that I hold tight…hoping to find peace with it one day. I think of him almost every day. He would be turning one next week…a fact that wakes me during the night and ignites silent tears under the duvet while my family sleeps peacefully throughout the night.
Tonight at 7pm all across the nation, people who have lost a pregnancy or an infant will light a candle in memory of that sweet little angel. For at least one hour, those candles will burn to remember the little souls that didn’t make it.
Tonight I will light four. Although that last loss stays with me day after day, the other three miscarriages will always be a part of me too.
We never fully move on, we simply start to move forward.
So tonight I will light four. I will remember those pregnancies and the little heartbeats that I saw on the screen week after week. 13 weeks. 11 weeks. 7.5 weeks. And 17.5 weeks. I will remember each one of them. I will pray that those little lost souls found their way to heaven where they can be comforted by my father and rocked by my Nana.
And I will probably cry just a little bit more.
Because even when you think you’re done…you’re never truly done. The memories stay with us, even when we try to bury them deep within our souls. Time heals all wounds, but some leave significant scars.
Sending good thoughts to all of you as we remember our losses and take another small step forward.