I tried to hide out as much as possible.
Part of me wanted to be as strong as everyone around me seemed to think I was. Part of me felt ashamed and embarrassed. And part of me knew that to tell the story over and over was to experience those gut-wrenching emotions over and over.
I wasn’t sure I could handle the pain. I wasn’t sure I wanted to.
And so I tried my best to hide out as much as possible.
I went from home to work and back again. I stopped walking with friends after work. I ran on my elliptical behind closed doors instead. I stopped going to parties or dinners…especially when my husband was on tour. I stuck close to home and watched a little too much TV.
I read a lot of chick lit.
But a funny thing happened…
A couple of my close friends, one who was no stranger to miscarriage and another who just couldn’t stand to watch me slip away, decided that they had no intention of letting me hide out.
They called. A lot. And while they didn’t always mention miscarriage or infertility, they knew that I needed some space from it, they did let me know that they were right by my side.
They listened when I wanted to talk. They said the right things…the only things you really can say from afar. They asked other friends about their experiences and got back to me with ideas for different treatments.
They cheered me on when I went for my acupuncture appointments and laughed when I shared embarrassing stories after each appointment…as it turns out, it’s really hard to close your eyes and relax when you have little needles threatening to puncture your eyes if you happen to sneeze.
They cried on the other end of the phone when the second miscarriage started at almost exactly the same point in the pregnancy as the first.
They swore up and down that I didn’t eat something awful or walk too fast or sleep too little. They reminded me 10,000 times that it wasn’t my fault.
They brought books when I needed books and wine when I needed wine. They supported my Dark Chocolate M&M habit 100% and allowed me to be the third wheel…even when they probably really needed a date night.
Even though I still suffered in silence for much of the time and refused to tell another living soul other than them for a very long time…these two friends made the even the hardest days just a little bit easier to bear.
They did it simply by being there.
And that…is the power of three.
Infertility isn’t about hiding out…infertility is about reaching out to someone who understands.
This one’s for you Stacey and Stacey – I love you to the moon and back.