Flashbacks

Little reminders are everywhere, it seems.

 

Just when I’m certain that I’ve moved on, that I am finally putting the past behind me and just enjoying each moment…that past comes crashing in.  Flashbacks consume my every thought, and tears become sobs before I can even process what triggered my emotions.

 

Infertility never leaves us.  Whether or not our babies find us, the pain of infertility lingers in the background, waiting for the right moment to pounce.

 

It was a day like any other.  Hot, sunny, without a cloud to be seen.  I stared out the window as the kids colored, wondering if I could skip the grocery store run since the babysitter called in sick.

 

No, I couldn’t.  I needed ingredients for those birthday cookies… 

 

I put shoes on the kids and strapped them into the car, very much against their will.

 

We just want to play with you, Mommy.

 

Me too, little ones.  Me too.

 

We made a game of the grocery list, sorting by size and color.  We used teamwork to get the heavy items into cart and compared numbers on the price tags.  We found a way to make it fun.

 

We laughed, we smiled, we made the most of the otherwise boring errand.

 

And then, in the checkout line, past and present collided.

 

As I reached for my credit card (that had somehow slipped out of my wallet and into the pocket of my favorite Coach purse), I found something that I hadn’t seen in a very long time.

 

I pulled my hand from my purse to find an ultrasound picture.  The last ultrasound, in fact, before I lost that very last baby.  The one who would have made #3.  The one who would be nearing his first birthday.  The one who left an unbearable hole in my heart.

 

I froze, suspended in time.  With glassy eyes I stared at the picture, unable to make a move.  I could feel the line growing behind me.  I could see the kids staring up at me in anticipation.

 

It was an innocent prompt from the cashier that brought me back to life for a moment.

 

Did you already swipe your card?

 

Switching to autopilot, I paid for my groceries and found my way home.

 

Later that night, as the kids slept peacefully, I curled up on my bed and finally let the sobs escape.

 

Infertility never leaves us.  It hides out for a while; hanging out in the recesses of our souls, but it never truly leaves us.

 

All we can really do is just keep swimming.

 

When The Whole World Is Pregnant

 

When the whole world is pregnant…it can feel overwhelming.

 

When the whole world is pregnant…mixed emotions ensue.

 

Happiness is always the first emotion to escape.

 

Ohmygodthat’ssoexcitingwhenareyoudue??!!!!

 

Followed by…

 

I’m so happy for you.

 

Because you are.  You want your friends to have more and more babies.  You want their dreams to come true.  And you want to be there every step of the way, from pregnancy tests to holding that sweet little baby wrapped just tight enough…

 

There’s just one tiny little problem…

 

You want that too.

 

Boom!  Jealousy hits when the lights go down.  It attacks in an instant.  It manages to break free, even when you’re certain that you have it cornered.

 

How can they all be on #2?

 

When will it ever be my turn?

 

I’m quitting Facebook…and Twitter…and Pinterest…and…

 

It’s not long before the guilt sets in.

 

I really am happy for everyone else.

 

I want them to have happiness too.

 

I’m not a horrible person.

 

Followed by anger and self-loathing, of course.

 

I hate being bitter and jealous.

 

What is wrong with this godforsaken uterus?

 

I’ve gained a million lbs.

 

My face looks like that of a 13 year old.

 

My clothes will never fit again.

 

And I still don’t have a baby.

 

And then the tears finally escape.

 

It’s hopeless.

 

I’m helpless.

 

Nothing is working.

 

I just want one.  One sweet little baby.

 

When the whole world is pregnant, emotions run high.  Feelings shift by the minute and threaten to overwhelm your day.

 

When the whole world is pregnant…you have to take care of you.

 

Check out.

 

Watch that episode of Friends for the 37th time in two months.

 

Eat those dark chocolate M&M’s.

 

And drink that Cabernet.

 

When the whole world is pregnant…

 

You just have to survive.