Now that I’ve made it to the other side, I will talk about my infertility journey with pretty much anyone who wants to listen. But when I was in it, especially the first time around, I kept pretty quiet.
Part of it had to do with the feelings of shame that I experienced early on. With each miscarriage, and with each passing month, I felt like a failure.
But there was another reason…
Everyone I told seemed to have the answer. In hindsight, many of those answers were actually fairly entertaining. But at the time, I wasn’t so easily entertained. I might have even been just a tad bitter with a bit of a short fuse. Maybe.
Now that I can look back at these little tidbits of wisdom from people who never experienced infertility and laugh, I thought I would share them with you.
Because while there isn’t anything funny about infertility, sometimes the infertility advice provided by friends and family is downright funny.
Do it EVERY day: Um, that’s not happening. Ever. Who are these married people who have sex every day? I am fairly certain that they are just a myth. I heard this gem a few times over, and it was always said with a huge grin. Every day? Really? Please tell me I’m not alone here…
Headstands: Yes, we’ve all heard about the legs in the air technique. And some of us might have even tried that. A few hundred times. But one helpful friend told me that the real trick is to practice more yoga so that I would be able to do an actual headstand. On my hardwood floors? After sex? Clothes or no clothes? This was just too much. I do love yoga, but under no circumstances can I do a headstand (especially naked and after sex).
Get drunk: As if I hadn’t already exhausted this strategy… People love to reference the fact that this is how teens get themselves in trouble. No such luck for these old eggs…I did keep trying that one though. What’s the downside, right?
Relax: My favorite advice ever! As if us infertiles can just hit a secret relaxation button and poof…the stress is gone. Not that I didn’t try. Acupuncture? Check. Exercise? Check. More water, less wine? Ok, maybe that’s where I drew the line. A girl has to have a vice, after all.
Eat fish: In our (much) younger days, Sean and I were vegetarians (I know, I can’t believe it either). This, of course, resulted in a lot of feedback about our infertility. More than one person hinted that Sean needed to eat more fish for the fatty acids…because miscarriage can be caused by sperm lacking in fatty acids? Not so sure about that one!
Take a vacation: Here’s the thing about vacations: They are meant to be relaxing (see above). Sometimes you can even leave your troubles behind for a few days and just check out. But when your troubles reside in, say, your uterus? Or your ovaries? Or both? It’s kind of hard to leave them behind. Besides, the vacation fund went toward infertility medications not covered by insurance.
Stop trying: I had more than one person tell me that I was trying to hard. That if I just stopped trying, I would be pregnant immediately and carry that baby to term without a problem. Solid advice. With one small exception…I don’t think that trying too hard is ever really to blame.
Track your cycle: Genius! Why on earth did I not think of this on my own??!!! They should invent some sort of test kit to let you know when you’re ovulating… Oh wait…they already did!
Get new lingerie: Apparently the real problem was my sleepwear. Who knew? I can’t believe I wasted all of that time trying to get pregnant when all I needed was a quick trip to Victoria’s Secret. Sigh. There should be a handbook clearly stating these rules of instant pregnancy.
Stop exercising: While I know that marathon runners and Olympians are at risk of problems with ovulation due to excessive exercise, I don’t think this truly affects the general population. Not. An. Olympian.
Did I at least get one laugh out of you today? Because I always have more…
Now it’s your turn to make me laugh. What’s the funniest infertility advice you’ve received so far?
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No funny advice here, but my very best friend told me once ‘maybe God was trying to tell me I’m not ready’ which crushed me. Needless to say we aren’t really friends anymore!
Ugh. That is my least favorite advice ever. I heard that a few times along the way. I know it’s meant to help…but it just feels awful. Sending good thoughts your way…
Clomid and Cabernet recently posted..Amusing Infertility Advice
Thanks, I needed this laugh. TTC-ing for 18 months, and just got AF yesterday and feeling a little down.
Oh, I am so sorry to hear that…AF is the worst. I still despise her…
Clomid and Cabernet recently posted..Share Your Story: Just Stop Trying and It Will Happen
OMG. I’m only 9 months into TTC, but I have PCOS and have had two unsuccessful Clomid rounds. I hear ridiculous advice daily (mostly from my mother), and it’s nice to see humorous spin on it! Glad I found the site
Moms are FULL of excellent advice! I’m sorry to hear that you are battling PCOS…but glad you found us. Hope you’ll stick around
Clomid and Cabernet recently posted..Share Your Story: Just Stop Trying and It Will Happen
Great list. Funny, now, yet insulting and infuriating to hear while going through the process!
A Morning Grouch recently posted..Dream #14 : To Burn Or Not To Burn
So true…in the moment? You just want to scream!
Clomid and Cabernet recently posted..Lost and Found
Great list! Here is what I have been noticing about the fertile community… I keep hearing story after story about some other friend/relative who had infertility issues and is now pregnant or had a baby. They want to go on and on about this other infertile person and their story. Yes I’m happy your other friend was able to get pregnant or have a child but we are not all the same. There is not one identical fertility problem for everyone & I am not just like your other friend!
The advice that I have to stay positive can also make me crazy. I try, but I would be insane if I thought through all the testing, treatments and generally crappy news I could ALWAYS stay positive. If you don’t want to hear about how it really is then don’t ask. Its really that simple.
I’ve heard it all! I’ve been ttc for 5 years, and it never gets any easier to hear “Well my best friends, older sisters, baby sitters, Mom battled infertility for a WHOLE YEAR and after she quit trying she got pregnant…With TWINS!” Like that woman is me. People don’t understand we all have our own stressers, we all have our own levels of infertility. And just because she had PCOS like I do, doesn’t mean we are all the same.
I’m glad I came across your post! I’ve been needing a lighthearted perspective! We started back down the TTC road 19 months ago. I’m on my 11th medicated cycle since August 2011, but because I struggle with secondary infertility I am forever being told I should be grateful for what I have and not try anymore as though wanting another baby makes me selfish or greedy. My favourite was from a friend though who when she announced she was pregnant about two weeks after she had announced she’d decided to TTC, I offered my sincere congratulations and jokingly added something about “wow! That was fast!” she, in all seriousness, told me that “it’s really just a matter of knowing when to time things! As soon as you understand that it’s so easy to get pregnant!”. Really. No kidding. Silly, silly me.
I haven’t received much humorous advice but a few people I have talked to with kids seem to think I am “lucky” because kids take a lot of time and energy. Not sure I feel lucky heh.